For decades, it has been debated among scholars why Stalin did so many bizarre things–such as purging the military right before Hitler invaded, killing scores of his own die-hard supporters, and generally being a touch paranoid.
A new photo released from the Soviet Archives, however, may provide answers to these questions.
This photo clearly shows that Stalin wasn’t what he appeared to be.
You see, he was a rabbit. A mutant giant rabbit. Who could talk. And give speeches. And create a personality cult.
He must have been wearing a human mask during all of his public appearances.
In the photo, he is obviously ordering a drink from his house bar-keep, Vyacheslav Molotov. He was known for his prowess with mixed drinks. Even today, a special very dry cocktail is named after him.
Somehow this bartender became the foreign minister. That decision made no sense to historians. Wouldn’t he have chosen someone a little more qualified?
But it all makes sense now!
Because Stalin was a giant mutant rabbit.
And rabbits– well, they do things that don’t make sense.
They eat their own poo.
And they are always afraid someone or something is going to eat them.
So they are paranoid by our standards.
And male rabbits have a strict hierarchy, and they don’t tolerate any challengers. Sometimes they even kill them.
Just imagine what an alpha buck rabbit would if he had his own secret police!
So now we know why Stalin behaved so irrationally: He was a giant rabbit.
End of story.
I bet next we’ll find out that Hitler was actually a wolf, and the reason why he invaded was so he could eat the giant rabbit.
But why would a rabbit and a wolf make a pact to divide up Poland?
So many questions.
