Natural History

Warning: Totally fictitious dog breed history in this post!

Mississippi swamp hounds do not make good foxhounds. Here, we see them allowing a fox to infiltrate their pack. However, a fox hunter might be able to use a pack like this. All he has to do is take the pack to a gatorhole, and all the hounds will go in, leaving the fox exposed and easily dispatched with use of a firearm.

Derived from dogs brought to Mississipi by de Soto’s men, the Mississippi swamp hound was bred to hunt alligators. It is believed to be part Spanish war mastiff, Cuban bloodhound, turnspit, Belgian Trekhon, and red wolf . It is also believed to have a touch of very stupid retriever in its background, although some people claim that it’s actually very stupid poodle-type breed called a “Portuguese water hound.”

Now  to hunt an alligator, a dog needs a good nose, but to hunt them effectively, the dog must entice the ‘gator to the hunter’s rifle. The best way to do this for the dog to jump into the body of water to toll in the big ‘gators. Of course, most normal hounds and curs have sense enough to stay out of gatorholes. That’s where an unusual selective breeding program was attempted.

So ‘gator hunters in Mississippi developed a plan– breed for dogs that have no sense whatsoever. They bred dogs that licked themselves in intersections to other dogs that thought chasing trains on the railroad was just like chasing cats.

After several generations, they developed a dog with such superior stupidity that it could easily bring in the ‘gators. In fact, it was the alligator hunter’s breed of choice, and it is widely believed that this hound is credited with nearly making the American alligator extinct.

Today the breed is widely praised for its stupidity. You can leave one in a backyard with the gate open all day, and the dog will stay right there. And you can also take your Mississippi swamp hound shark fishing or cougar hunting.

However, this breed has been banned from importation into Australia, India, and Cameroon, for it is belied to be so effective at attracting species of endangered crocodilians to the hunters’ guns that it could be very detrimental to fragile crocodile populations.

The Mississippi swamp hound has just been moved to the AKC’s Miscellaneous Class, where a standard is being drawn up. However, it is feared that forcing this breed into the AKC registry will harm its unique working abilitiess

Dissident Swamp hound owner Jimbo “‘Possum Face” Magoo complains that “The AKC won’t let me breed any stupid mutts into my breeding program, and once they start competing in competitive obedience, they’ll make them smart.  Then they won’t want to jump in the water with the ‘gators no more. I guess I’ll just have to do it myself!”

Magoo and his ‘gator hunters comrades have formed their own registry,  The Working Mississippi Swamp Hound Association. Their standard is based upon behavioral and functional comformation. “A swamp hound must be dumber than a rock, but he must swim better than one,” says their breed standard.

Average life expectancy for a Mississippi swamp hound is 12-14 years for a nonworking dog. The life expectancy of a working swamp hound is dependent upon the temperature of the water in which he swims. If the water is below 68 degrees, the alligators lose their appetite and don’t want to eat the dog. If the water is warmer, then live expectancy is largely determined on how fast the dog can swim.

Don’t expect one to be good at competitive obedience or watch dog work. However, a Mississippi swamp hound is a good dog to have if you work long hours. When you leave the house, they don’t know you’re even gone at first, and when they do figure out you’re gone, they’ll spend the rest of the day looking for you. Now that’s piece of mind.

Who says you need a smart dog? Sometimes stupidity is just what you need.
And in this case, it is functional behavioral conformation.