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Requiem

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Miley on an August rain walk.

Summer is dying.  The long days of June and July have given way to these shortening days of August. The evening shadows come looming in much earlier now than they did a month ago. The long slide into darkness.

The birds have stopped their singing, for the male songbirds have given up their territories. They no longer singing to proclaim stretch of forest theirs. They no longer try to impress the fairer sex. They have no chicks to feed.

All that’s to be done now is to eat the wild fruit and prepare for either a long migration to the sun-soaked tropics or a long stay in the land of snow and blackness. They are among the last surviving heirs of lineage that once shook the earth with their mighty footsteps and ponderous girth some 65 million years ago,  but now are forced to live a more fleeting existence on the wing.

With no birds singing, the humid air is cut with the stridulations of crickets and monotonous cadence of katydids.  When the sun hits the trees just right, the dog day cicadas let loose their whirring hisses.

The autumn olive bushes are filled with berries, and the oaks are laden with acorns. The nuts start to fall from hickory trees, and the ravening gray squirrels, so covetous of a fine hickory nut repast, start cutting the green nuts from the trees.

All signs point the death of summer and the rise of autumn.  Autumn is nothing more than a harbinger of the season of cold and blackness.

The truth is I hate this time of year. I always have. I think it’s because I associate with the time I hated most as a kid: the begin of new school year.

It’s not that I hated school– at least not the academic aspects of it. What I hated was the social aspects of it all. I would go from a world of my own natural history explorations and good books to a world obsessed with order and obsessed with football

August has never been a happy time for me. It’s even worse for me because I lost my grandpa two years ago on a shortening August day like this one. The morning he passed, I went to the woods and walked among the falling dew.

This is the time of dew falling on the broomgrass and of red maples letting their first leaves fall to the forest floor. This is the time of the first harvest and the first country festivals.

Soon the shotguns will be blasting at doves and squirrels, then the arrows will be let flying into the deer’s hides. Then, in the bleakness of November, the rifles will be brought out and the great cull of the white-tails begins. It is the climax of autumn as it finally sinks into December darkness.

August merely announces the arrival of these times of harvest. The harvest time was a time to put away for the winter, Preserve it by canning or drying. Preserve it the best you can, for winter is a time when nothing grows.  That which grew in the June and July sun must be saved for a time when the weak beams of the December and January sun cast a sallow glow upon the skeletons of tree trunks.

It is time to say goodbye to the summer. Maybe bask a bit in its requiem.

Maybe try to preserve in the mind those long June days that seem so perfectly eternal that it seems illogical that they’ll ever end.

But they are now.

Summer is dying in the August dews and in the cacophony of hissing insects.

Not long for this world.

But it will return– someday.

I let the August rain rush down my back, and I am finally peace with it.

Goodbye, oh lush summer! You’ve brought me cheer. I wish that you could stay a little longer, just one more sun-kissed day, another gentle rain, just one more evening with fawns leaping about in the meadows.

But you must go. The seasons have changed here since long before there was ever such a thing as life gracing the planet. Life has evolved with seasons of sun and gloom, of lushness and starkness, and of the smorgasbord and famine.

But just because it has always been this way doesn’t mean I don’t lament your passing.

Lamentation does not require an excuse or reason.

It is simply sadness let loose because it can’t be held back anymore.

Now, indulge me my sorrow, and we’ll get onto weightier matters.

 

 

 

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“For the Last Wolverine” by James Dickey

You may know James Dickey as the author of Deliverance, but here’s a fine poem that he wrote about extinction.

Source.

 

 

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I am an introvert, so I thought I’d share this bit of advice for dealing with our kind:

I think there needs to be another one of these drawn on how to live with a person with a Myers-Briggs Type Indicator of INTJ.

I have always been one.

 

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The dangers of doing this sort of writing

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Writing about issues that are likely to be controversial is really an exercise in vulnerability.

Nothing exposes one’s ego to potential attack more than occasionally pointing out that a sacred cow is actually covered in dung.

I’ve done this long enough to get used to it.

In the early days of the blog, it sometimes got to me. I could be unusually stroppy about something.

But I’ve just let it slide in recent years.

I think it’s because I have come up against one particularly nasty– and unusually powerful– rival, who happened to be writing about many of the same issues I was discussing here.

I’ve seen this rival largely self-destruct, mainly because he hitched himself to tired old theories and the ephemera of celebrity worship.

I just stuck to my guns.

I thought for a long time that I would lose all my readership.

But I knew that I was right.

And my stuff gets posted around social media. People read what I write, and that readership has grown,

I initially set up a Facebook Group for the blog largely for promotional purposes, but now it’s a pretty vibrant little Facebook community.

I am more confident with my voice than I was five years ago.

But with this voice I realize I have power.

I have power to inform and enlighten, but I also have the power to misinform.

I try not to do that.

But I am human. I make errors.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what I’ve done thus far, and now I know there are big steps that lie ahead for me.

You’ll note that the blogging is significantly lighter now than it was 8 months ago.

Part of the reason is that I’ve been stepping back, reconsidering, reconnoitering, planning my next move.

There are changes ahead.

We’re moving on, but I’m still going to be here.

But the next venture looms in the very near horizon.

I am ready for it.

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Outside

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I have spent the better part of my life outside.,

I don’t mean “outdoors.”

I mean outside.

By that distinction, I mean something very different.

By “outdoors,” I mean out in elements.

By “outside,” I mean something that one might call detachment, but some might call alienation or ostracism.

I never really fit in well. I grew up in a liberal middle class household in one of the 100 poorest counties in America.

I have never known hunger or what it’s like to have parents who are addicted to drugs or Jesus Christ.

But I grew up among people who did.

And at that level, I was always going to play the role of the outsider. It was almost predestined.

I am not a redneck.

There, I said it.

Some people hold that term with pride, but I couldn’t be one if I tried.

I don’t understand a lot of the culture in which I grew up. I don’t get stock car racing, but then, I don’t get football or anything else people watch on TV that involves a ball and people running around.

I suppose that it would be okay to be a bit of a solitary eccentric, but the simple fact is that I am human.

All humans have evolved as social animals, and never really being able to connect with those nearest to me has always made somewhat less comfortable in my own existence than I ought to be.

It is certainly true that we should not live solely for the validation of others, but at some point, there must be a connection.

I feel like I’ve spent my whole life looking into the fog. I see little hints of what it means to belong, but I never see it fully.

Some days, this makes me sad.

There is no other way to describe it.

Sadness.

It’s not melancholia or depression, though I’m sure the psychiatric profession would disagree with my nomenclature.

I just know that I have spent my whole life trying to be normal.

But I don’t feel normal.

At the deepest level, I am not comfortable with who I am.

When I come to this space to write a few words and then cast my thoughts into the sea of cyberspace, I am actually somewhat surprised that people read  it.

Yes, even now.

I come here to fix to my problems. I come to bury my sadness. I play around with the little factoids that my brain has accumulated over the years. I try to organize them into coherent theses.

But I also come to escape.

I come to escape a world where I feel both alienated and alone.

I come to escape a self that is never comfortable being.

I come to pay homage to old dogs that made the darkest years of my childhood bearable, and I come to pay homage to my family who always loved me.

But I don’t know what to do now.

It’s not that I’ve run out of ideas.

It’s that I’ve run out of me.

I know that at some point this venture will have to move to another level, or it will soon become stagnant, then putrid, and then decayed.

I don’t know what to do now.

My engine is idling.

And I feel so numb.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Pretty much the story of my life

mark twain quote

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Mountain of Dinosaurs

Considering where this cartoon came from, this is probably the most subversive cartoon I’ve ever seen.

Source.

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